Sonnet 144
by Princess Leia Solo
Summary: Logan’s POV of what happened to Max and he realizes he can’t take the pain. Please R&R even if you're not a Shakespeare fan. Please read the author's note....


Title: Sonnet 144  
  
Author: Princess Leia Solo  
  
Rating: PG-13  
  
Summary: Logan's POV of what happened to Max and he realizes he can't take the pain. Please R&R.  
  
Distribution: FF.net, DarkAngelArchives (If you really want to use it), and My World Of Obsessions www.angelfire.com/realm/myworldofobsessions  
  
Disclaimer: Let me just say, that if you read this after reading the Author's Note, you will understand why James tries to keep his little creations out of my hands....  
  
Author's Note: This is set after "And Jesus Brought A Casserole". This story has to do with suicide and death (sorry if you feel I've ruined the story now). Please don't read this if you don't like suicide (I don't... I don't even know why or how I wrote this)... my other stories are very good... or so I'm told... you can go read one of those. Please don't flame me telling me you're offended, because I will just use those flames to make s'mores and burn my latest grade card. Thank you. *Princess  
  
Sonnet 144  
  
I sit in my wheel chair, to tired and numb to put my exoskeleton on. I can't even see the point anymore. All the trouble to put the thing back together was for Max. My angel.  
  
It has been 4 days since the death of my beloved. She didn't have enough time on this earth. I know that she was made, but she was so real to me. I loved... love... her so much it hurts. I went on living, after the accident, for her. She made me want to live.  
  
I had to break the news to Original Cindy, Kendra, and all of Max's other friends. It was so hard. I sat there and watched them mourn their friend. Bling took it pretty hard. He hovered around me 24/7 until just a few minutes ago when I was able to get him to go to the Market and leave me alone for an hour.   
  
I don't know what to do with myself anymore. I'm supposed to be the protector of the down trodden, guardian of peace and justice, blah, blah, woof, woof. But none of that seems important. All I want is for what happened to her to be avenged and for the people who did this to be brought to justice. Or to be killed themselves. But as soon as I started running my line of contacts, no one could tell me a thing. None of them. They were all dead ends.  
  
I sit in front of the window watching the rain pour down. It rains a lot in Seattle. I can't help but think that the heavens feel my pain and that they're crying right along with my soul. I need to find something to destroy this pain. I'll do anything. Pay off as many people as necessary. I just want my angel back. I want to turn back time and take her out to eat for our anniversary instead of staying in.  
  
Rolling away from the window, I go into my office and sit in front of my computer. I stare at the blank screen and wonder what I'd do once I'd turn it on. Would I just stare at a screen with pictures on it, would I type a message to someone, would I do searches for kids with barcodes on their necks, or would I just throw it across the room?  
  
Figuring all those ideas were bad, I instead opened my desk drawer. I pulled out the gun I kept there for emergencies and put a bullet in it. It was the same gun that I had almost used months ago to blow my brains out. Max had been there to hold me afterwards. She isn't here now.  
  
The weapon isn't real heavy like some guns I've held before, but it's not very light either. I can still tell there's something in my hand. It's cold against my skin and I unhook the safety. I glance at the clock and see that there's still about 45 minutes until Bling is supposed to return. I pull out a piece of paper and scribble something resembling a note on it. I hold the gun up again. I put it to my temple and wait a few seconds, praying that she'll come running through the door like last time. I want her to save me, but because she's gone, she's destroying me. I can't live without her. I don't want to.   
  
I put my finger on the trigger and take a deep breath. I shut my eyes. And I pull the trigger.  
  
Not 2 minutes later, my beautiful angel runs through the door. "Logan!" she yells to the emptiness. I smile from my view above her seeing her alive, then I start to cry knowing what I had done. She walks into my computer room and sees my body. She's screaming. I start to cry harder realizing what I had done to her.  
  
She hits my table in frustration and screams my name again, but this time in sadness. She knocks my paper from the desk and it flutters to the ground to land in her tears. She looks at it for a second, like it might bite her, but then she picks it up and reads it:  
  
I'm sorry.  
-Logan  
Sonnet 144  
By William Shakespeare  
Two loves I have, of comfort and despair,  
Which like two spirits do suggest me still;  
The better angel is a man right fair,  
The worser spirit a woman colored ill.  
To win me soon to hell, my female evil  
Tempteth my better angel from my side,  
And would corrupt my saint to be a devil,  
Wooing his purity with her foul pride.  
And whether that my angel be turned fiend  
Suspect I may, yet not directly tell;  
But being both from me, both to each friend,  
I guess one angel in another's hell.  
Yet this shall I ne'er know, but live in doubt,  
Till my bad angel fire my good one out  
  
Max cries out again. She picks up the gun laying on the floor and goes over to the drawer to get another bullet. She grabs one and loads the gun just as I had. She leans over my dead body to look into my pale face. "I love you," she whispers. She kisses me on the lips and puts the gun to her head. She doesn't even think about how killing herself would disrespect Zach, for she was destroying a part of him, too. His heart had been a gift and now she was going to throw it all away for me. She pulls the trigger and falls on top of my body.  
  
I look on as I see what my one selfish act has done. Not only have I killed myself, I've also essentially killed my one love. I stay where I am, waiting for Bling to return home. I deserve the torment my friend's tears would bring. I deserve every second of it, because even though I'm gone and my love is gone, I have not seen her here beside me. I still don't have my angel with me, because I realized that she's in Heaven and I'm in Hell.  
  
  
::rereads the POV just written:: Sorry... I am seriously working through some issues. I don't believe in suicide what so ever. I usually don't write about it, because taking your own life seems so unreal to me, but I guess I just needed to write it. I'm really sorry if this offended anyone, and I hope the note at the top was a good enough warning. I know it's not real detailed, but sometimes that's worse, because your imagination can do so much.   
  
Sonnet 144 is one of my favorites. Please don't e-mail me telling me how he wouldn't have taken the time to write it, I just wanted to put it in there and that seemed like the best place. If you want a line by line explanation as to why I used it, as some people have asked, please e-mail me. I'd be happy to explain it to you.   
*Princess  



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